


Hurt Me Once

by siriuslyapple



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post Wizarding War, Sad, brainrot, remus lupin - Freeform, sirius black - Freeform, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28401315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siriuslyapple/pseuds/siriuslyapple
Summary: Remus felt the effects of the war in ways no one else did.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 5





	Hurt Me Once

**Author's Note:**

> I cried three times writing this. I'm sorry.

At first I tried to convince myself it was nothing. I tried to convince myself that your coldness and your distance weren’t real, or that they were a result of the war. I tried with everything in my soul to believe that you weren’t falling out of love with me. I didn’t even consider that you were the spy. It didn’t even occur to my mind that you would betray the Order. That you would betray James and Lily. That you would betray me. 

You started avoiding me. You would stay out late and leave early, and sometimes I don’t even know if you would come home. You hid every letter. You stopped telling me everything. Hell, you stopped telling me anything. We were almost never alone, you made sure we were only together when we were with other people, and then once Lily and James went into hiding, we were never alone.

I just thought you hated me. I started overanalyzing every single thing I have ever said or did. I forgot how to know you. All of the parts of you that I had fallen in love with, were gone; hidden to me. I lost the privilege to see you. And it hurt. I cried myself to sleep when you weren’t there, which was most of the time. If you were there, we’d just lay in bed in silence, not touching, until you would fall asleep. 

I never slept on those nights. I would just watch you sleep. It sounds creepy, but it was the only time where you felt like mine again. When you were asleep, you weren’t angry or guarded. You were my Sirius again. You were the reckless, funny, brilliant, kind, careless boy I’d fallen for. When you were awake I didn’t recognize the man you’d become. I tried anything I could to understand why this had happened; what I had done. 

I found myself silently begging that you would just leave one day, or tell me that you hated me and kick me out. However much I wanted you to come home and kiss me and tell me you were sorry and just stressed, I knew you wouldn’t. So I settled for wanting you to break my heart once and for all so you wouldn’t break it a million times. A reasonable person might just leave you first, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I loved you so much that I couldn’t end it, even if you didn’t love me anymore. 

I know now that you hadn’t fallen out of love with me, but actually, you weren’t in love with me to begin with. Everything that I’ve surrounded my life around since we were fifteen has been a lie. I have loved you for as long as I’ve known what love was. I taught myself what love was for you. I pushed through my anxiety and let down my walls so I could let you in. And you used me. You lied to me, and you got me to trust you. All so you could betray us. Marlene died because of you. Lily died because of you. Peter died because of you. James died because of you. 

There was a lot I would have loved you through, but this is a living fucking nightmare. Every happy memory is tainted, every photo makes me shake with pain and rage. You betrayed me hundreds of times, and you don’t even care. I like to think you loved me at least a little bit, but I know it’s impossible. Love conquers all. You told me that once, when I was upset about yet another full moon. 

“The people who truly love you will always love you, no matter what”

That’s how I know you didn’t love me. You told me that, and I lived by it for years. I hung off of every word you said, and I learned so much about emotions from you. But you shattered me. You broke me into a million pieces a million times. 

Sometimes I can’t believe you did that, it doesn’t feel real. I’ll just lay in our bed in the apartment we used to share and just. Remember you. It’s so hard to remember you. Because you lied to me. You’re not mine anymore, and you probably never really were. I want to hate you more than anything.

But you know the worst part? I don’t hate you. I still love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. You’re the first person I ever said ‘I love you’ to. You’re the first person I ever loved, and I know somewhere deep inside me that you’ll be the last. My world has been so hazy since you went to Azkaban, and I’m utterly terrified it will be forever.

I will never stop loving you, no matter how angry I am, or how much I hate you. And I will never forgive you for that.


End file.
